J

In ancient Roman religion and mythology, Janus is the god of beginnings and transitions, thence also of gates, doors, doorways, endings and time. Most often he is depicted as having two heads, facing opposite directions: one head looks eastward and the other westward. Symbolically they look simultaneously into the future and the past, back at the last year and forward at the new.

It's been quite an eventful series of events during this past year, year and a half. I wont list them all, but I can't say that all of them have been joyful or happy. The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened a little over a year ago - my father suffered an immense heart attack and passed away.

Most people told me that I would feel better after the first year without him, but that truly felt like a kindly meant lie - how would I not miss him as much just because a year had passed? All the times I wanted to call him or meet him were like knives stabbing me, seeing his picture created this horrible lump in my chest that wouldn't go away even though crying my heart out. Doing or seeing things I know he would have loved, hearing his voice in my head, no more seeing him happily riding the snow mobile - the list goes on.

Without being rude to anyone I really haven't enjoyed anything this past year, nothing has been really funny or moving or great. I've just been in my little bubble of sadness, anger, hopelessness and feeling of not having anyone to rely on. Dad would be there for me no matter what, I was his little girl. But now I'm not panicking every time I see his picture on the shelf, the lump is still there but now I can look at it and not cry every time (sometimes I do avoid looking at it though). I still miss him as much but it feels a tad easier now. I'm trying to look forward, remembering him, instead of looking backwards, being lonely without him. And I'm still his little girl.

J for Janiform. Having two faces.